February 12, 2009


I must say, I have the BEST family and friends!! Thank you all for the notes, emails, calls, notes on Facebook, the help....Seriously, Thank you! I am finally starting to feel a little better. I still have a pretty bad pain in my head that won't leave and some issues in places I won't discuss, but over all, life is good. I will take pain any day over throwing up.
I had such different feelings going into this than I have ever had before. This was not the first time I have had surgery in my life, but it was the first time I ever had feelings of dying, which was really weird.
A week before the surgery, I kept having these feelings like I needed to get everything in order. I cleaned and organized every room in the house. I was saying things to the boys like, " Here are your winter clothes for next year, I want you to know how much mommy loves you, and here are all mommies pictures, and if mommy is not here..." It was very strange. The night before my surgery my parents got here and I took my mom through the house to each room telling her where stuff was, but not like normal...in detail. I was telling her up in Ashton's closet were clothes that I have stored, 3T, 4T, and 5T and here are so and so...Then I took her in the boys room and did the same. I had her come into my closet and I was showing her where all my pictures of the kids and their scrapbooks were and I even said to her, " in case something happens to me..." She looked at me and said, "Don't even say that." I had gone back several times and read a personal blessing that was given to me, and afterwards thought, " I am supposed to have a long life with time to do certain things on this Earth." and then I would think, "Why am I being so crazy?" So when Tyler told me the things I had said after surgery I was feeling very thankful. The one thing I do remember about the dream is that I was talking to the boys, each one individually and that I was very concerned about where Ashton was and if he was okay. I remember kissing Tyler and that is all. Well then when I came home from the hospital and still was not feeling a whole lot better I was a little concerned but it wasn't until Monday night when I started violently throwing up and had this unimaginable pain and pressure behind my right eye. I kept thinking my right temple was going to explode and I really started to worry. I am not one to go to the doctor easily, especially not the ER, but I tell you that night I didn't hesitate for a second. Hair in a bun, no makeup on, in my pj's (those of you who know me, know I don't go anywhere like this and for the first time in my life... I didn't care) As Tyler was driving me to the hospital and I am continuing to throw up and have this pain, I was sitting there thinking..".Is this why I had everything prepared, is something going to happen to me." Then I just kept fearing that I was going to go blind or have a stroke or who knows? ( It is a real problem when you have a medical background, because your mind immediately goes to all the worst possible outcomes). I remember as we sat there in the ER I was uncontrollably shaking, my eye twitching, I'm throwing up constantly, the nurse could not find a vein for anything, and I looked over at Tyler and said, pleading..." Please don't let me die ugly!"
I have never experienced anything quite like this one and I hope the worst is behind me, but I have to say that I am here today because of the Priesthood. I am so grateful for blessings and the power to command things to happen...because they did! Tyler is an amazing, wonderful man. My best friend, my rock and support through this whole thing. I love him and my boys more than anything!! Family, where do I begin...Thank you Thank you with all my heart. You are all priceless!! I am truly grateful for each day.