August 9, 2010


A year and a half ago I had some medical problems that resulted in having to have a hysterectomy.
I struggled with this decision because I just wasn't sure our family was complete. After much prayer and fasting this was still a struggle because medically this decision was being made for me and I didn't want to accept it. Reality was I didn't have any other options. Physically I could not carry a baby even if for some reason I got pregnant. Finally I had to come to terms with this loss and move forward. I have been doing a pretty good job of convincing myself that we are done, I am happy with the three boys we have. They are such a huge blessing, how could I ask for more. No more diapers, potty training, sleepless nights, we are good, our family is complete!

However, a few months ago I started having this feeling that we are NOT complete! I would look at pictures of our family and feel like someone was missing. I would see little boys holding their little baby sister and it would make my heart ache. I wanted a little girl to share things with, play dolls, do her hair, play dress up, have the amazing friendship I have with my mom. I wanted Tyler to experience the love of a daughter. There is a special bond between a daddy and his little girl. I have loved having three brothers to look after, protect, and love me. They are better men today because they learned at a young age how to treat girls and respect for women. Not that my brothers wouldn't have learned this on their own from my parents, but there is an eternal bond that exists with siblings and I wanted my boys to have that blessing.
This didn't help matters much because even if I could have had another baby there is no guarantee it would have been a girl. And even though I still felt like someone was missing, I didn't have a way for that baby to get here. It has made me really reflect on how precious a gift it is to be able to bring spirits, babies into this world. It is something that I have always taken for granted because I COULD, I brought three incredible boys into this world but now I CAN'T, I no longer have that precious gift.
Awe, but we do...
Tyler and I started talking about the idea of adoption. We have fasted and prayed a great deal about this because to us this is a Huge responsibility, and a Huge blessing! Yes, this baby may not physically look like Tyler and I, but we feel that spiritually this baby was meant to come to our home. It hit me the other night as I was reading a blessing I was given. I have read this blessing a hundred times and this phrase has never had any significance until that day. It said "You were saved until this time to be born to wonderful parents" It hit me and I started to cry...
My feelings were always such: If I was supposed to have another baby, it would have come in one of the three miscarriages I had after our third son. It wasn't until that moment that I realized, That spirit wasn't supposed to come to the earth at that time. But it is Now. I can't bring it here, but someone else can...through the miracle of adoption.
There is this driving force in me that I have to act on this. Whenever I try to forget about it and think about something else, it is right there on my mind. We told the kids about our decision and wanted to know what they thought. They were all excited until the thought of Barbies entered the picture. (Which is so funny, because I never played with Barbies) We asked them to pray that we would be able to make the right decisions. Ashton, our 4 year old, said our family prayer. During the prayer, he said:
Thank you that we could get a new baby. Thank you that someone else doesn’t want their baby anymore and they’ll give it to us.
Funny, sad, sweet, and poignant-all at the same time. Tyler and I have been so blessed and are so grateful for the three boys we have, that we want to share that love with a little girl.  According to statistics  adoption happens much quicker through word of mouth and other contacts.  I have struggled with this concept because I would never want to feel like we are campaigning for a baby.  We would however, love all the help we can get!! We are excited about what the future holds and feel that the Lord will guide us in this journey according to his will.